Have you ever attended a luncheon or dinner event only to find a woman’s oversized handbag – designer or not – as your luncheon or dinner partner? To add to the dilemma, you probably noticed last-minute arrivals walk past this chair looking for a seat and assuming that the handbag signified the chair was being saved. Unfortunately, this happens at almost all events, business and social. A woman will put her handbag on the chair next to her or a man will put his computer bag on the chair next to him as if to create a make-shift desk.
Personal items belong under the chair! When an item occupies a chair, it is assumed that the chair is being saved. In fact, the message you are sending is that your personal item is more important than a table guest. Worse yet, you are denying the person sitting next to the handbag a luncheon or dinner partner and that networking opportunity. This practice makes the violating individual appear self-serving. Is that the message you want to send?
It is ironic. The individuals who should be careful about how they project themselves are the ones most likely to be annoying by how they go about reserving their position at a function. The only time that it is “acceptable” to place a personal item on the chair next to you is at a private meal where you are certain the chair will not be occupied (e.g., dinner for two at a four-seated table.)
Another irritating situation is when people prop up their chair as a way to save their seat. This is dangerous to the servers and other passer-bys. Yes, you guessed it ― I have not only stumbled on the leg of a propped-up chair but I have also snagged my hosiery in the process. I find that this practice occurs most often at conventions or conferences. Please do not prop chairs! If you want to save a seat, place a personal item on the chair that you plan to occupy. Then put your item under the seat when you are seated.
Then there is the napkin that is placed on the chair to save it or to indicate that the spot is taken. A table setting needs to remain undisturbed until all diners are seated, and a toast or other announcement to begin the meal has been announced. What is worse is when people put napkins on the backs or seats of chairs, and then change their mind and sit elsewhere. Not even black tie events are exempt from this rudeness. Unfortunately, now the seat will not be occupied because the table setting has been disturbed; therefore, the serving staff has to reset the disturbed table setting. Would you sit where a napkin has been disturbed? Please do not re-arrange or mess with the table setting.
Do not take a sip of water and then leave the table to mingle with others. At a recent business luncheon event, I occupied a seat that appeared available. Then a gentleman (or not) came by and let me know that that was his seat because he had taken a sip of the water. (There was no lip imprint on the glass to serve as a clue.) This was awkward and embarrassing because he actually made me move instead of taking his used glass and asking a server to replace it and then kindly taking another available seat. It is easy to see why this is a good way to lose a potential client. What if I were the potential client or a person of influence?
All of these incidents lower your level of sophistication in the eyes of other diners, regardless of whether it is a high-profile formal event or just a casual gathering.
Have these incidents happened to you? How did you react? Do you remember how you felt at the time? Please share your experiences and voice your opinion.
April 6, 2009 at 6:40 pm |
The need to save the best seat you can get is often driven by fear. Fear that you won’t be with the people you want to be with (and they’re usually not the individuals you should be networking with). Or fear that someone will sit next to you who will make you uncomfortable. In any industry there are always people with “reputations,” individuals you don’t want to be seen with or get “stuck” with. So you see people strategizing how to get their clique together (which defeats the opportunity to mix and mingle–and show their true class) and making sure they all stay together, preferably facing the main table with straight lines of sight. They scoop up the best seats and block out anyone they don’t want in the way. It really gets pretty transparent.
April 30, 2009 at 10:04 am |
you are a gem and the rest of us are cubic zirconia! you are so right. how do you train the world? I’m sure I have been guilty of many of the transgressions that frustrate me. what do we do, stay tethered to our seats all night? is there a correct way to save a seat? Pam Averill who became Pam Averill Harriman and ambassador to France, met her last husband by purposely changing the seating at an event. goes to show how important seating is or can be to our future. you have pointed out so many bad habits, now we need the solutions! electricimpulse.wordpress.com
April 30, 2009 at 12:19 pm |
James, you have given testimony to the decline in the quality of social interaction. I agree it is due to fear, and also, due to the uncertainty of our identities. I applaud Gloria Petersen! She has undertaken the daunting task to train members of our society in ways to help make our lives more beautiful. In the words of Professor Forni, co-founder of the Johns Hopkins Civility Project: “To learn how to be happy we must learn to live well with others, and civility is the key to that.”
Here is another quote I have posted in my office that I would like to share with you.
“The very essence of politeness seems to be to take care that by our words and actions we make other people pleased with us as well as with themselves.” by Jean de La Brouyere.
We can only wish that everyone lived by that thought.
April 30, 2009 at 3:31 pm |
I’m sure I speak for many when I say,”thank you” for the reminders of appropriate behavior. One more comment – in addition to practicing (un)common courtesy, it is also more sanitary to retain your glass and not place the napkin on the seat or back of chair to save “your” seat.
Let’s practice abundance and know that there are plenty of wonderful people to sit next to.
May 1, 2009 at 7:03 pm |
Gloria, the incident you shared regarding the not-so-gentlemanly man is simply appalling, speaking from the male perspective. A gentleman would never ask a lady to take another seat in this situation. Instead, he would remind her that he had taken a sip from the glass and offered to get her a fresh one from the server. But then, we have surmised that this individual was no gentleman. I do hope you changed tables.
Taking this incident into the realm of leadership, my passion, one can readily see that this individual, if in a leadership role, would have an agenda focused solely in self and not on the good of the whole.
May 3, 2009 at 9:24 pm |
well I feel better. I’m guilty of both the napkin moving and sip taking… however I did reset the table (have Hospitality training) and moved my glass. Thanks for the guidelines. I’ll avoid these faux pas
June 9, 2009 at 9:28 am |
Thank God there are persons such as Gloria and myself who try to redress the unfortunate imbalance in the use of good manners and behavior.
Leslie, I think you need to read the article again as you missed the suggestions for what are the appropriate things to do if you are reserving a seat. In addition, how inappropriate it is of you to mention someone by name. If I were Pam I would be most offended.